I’ve just moved into my new home.
Coats and pants have been hung, tees and underwear have been folded and put away in the drawers. My old toothbrush is in the trash – new home, new toothbrush. I have a new desk to study and to work from. Great kitchen, great bathroom, great bedroom, great housemates.
Excitement should be running all over my body, but it’s not. Instead, there is a numbness cursing through my veins, stubbornly making the start of this new phase in my life somewhat gray.
I gave away the most precious things I have to offer to anyone – my complete trust and support. In return for all this, in the end, I saw myself being used for all the wrong purposes and people I love getting hurt for nothing.
How did it it go from everyone is so fucking happy to we are all fucking hurting? I have no idea. All I know is I did the only thing that was in my power to do – I left. Without proper goodbyes nor closure.
So now, one second I’m fine, entertained by all the distractions that moving to a new city grants me. The next second, I’m curled up on the floor, drowning in questions I can’t answer. It’s just me, myself and I again.
“Heal faster this time.”, a voice whispers in my mind.
How? When I’m still trying to understand? How, without closure?
Except… I’ll never have closure.
I asked so many questions these past few days and had no decent answers. I suppose the only thing I can do now is try to wrap all of the mess inside my mind and all the betrayal that makes my heart ache, bottle it up and toss it away. Let them drown in the ocean, rather than let myself drown in thoughts tied up to you.
Though the clouds might be gray in Düsseldorf right now, I will do my best to not let my mood match them. Every conversation in which I’ve ever mentioned your name is gone from my phone and you’re hundred of miles away now. You made a mistake by using me, I made a mistake by putting myself in a position to be used. That’s okay, though, because we are humans, we make mistakes. Lesson learned.
It’s a new city, a new school, and new people.
I don’t owe anything to anyone anymore. My birthday is coming soon, too, so… I guess I’ll take all of this and push myself to embrace the fresh start.
I’ll try my best to not loathe myself for crying over this. Because these tears aren’t for you, they are for me, for being stupidly trusting, for grieving the huge chunk of innocence that I just lost. The huge chunk of innocence I wrongly held on to, despite past traumas.
This will be the last time your name lingers on my mind.
This is me pushing myself to heal faster because I deserve it. Everyone who got hurt by this unreasonable mess does.
Including you. ♡