“Home” in different places. New routines. Attachment. Goodbyes.

[[copied from my lil black notebook]]

Came out to take some pictures of the sunset at the beach but forgot to bring the memory card.

*le sigh*

So, instead, I am writing, as my lil’ notebook requires no battery nor memory card.

Something dawned on me as I was talking to Vanessa yesterday. I’m leaving in two weeks. At first, I came to spend 3 weeks, and then I’d be on my flight back to Brazil. I made little effort to meet new people – in fact, the people I know now are the same people I met when I came for a visit in May. What was the point, anyway? Goodbyes are so tough, and the more people I start caring about, the more it’d hurt when I left. I made no effort to create the feeling of home, or a routine – or anything you do when you’re going somewhere to stay.

Yet, it happened.

There are two pieces of furniture in my bedroom – a desk and a mattress. Does the mattress even count as furniture? Whatever. There’s a picture of my family by the window. All my work gear is on my desk, my clothes are neatly folded in my suitcase and I hang a dress or two on my camera’s tripod (I know I shouldn’t, but, hey, if it can handle my camera’s weight, it can handle a dress). I leave a kettle around because I consume way more tea and caffeine than I should. Things might get rearranged whenever there’s a heavier rain, as there’s a leak right on top of where my mattress normally stays. It’s fun, though, moving things around because of a stupid leak – it usually happens at 3am and I start laughing, half asleep and on my own, because, god, what a life. Shoes stay by the door as I don’t want any dirt from the streets coming into my room… Which is always clean and tied up, because, well, this is home right now.

Despite coming here with a departure date set and with my mind already focusing on what was awaiting me in Brazil, it became home. Not only it became home, but I fell into this weird routine which, aside from working and studying, also includes seeing my friend Vanessa basically everyday…

I really dislike having a routine and a place where I feel at home when I’m not staying somewhere for long, because I get attached. Attachment leads to having more things to let go of when it’s time to say goodbye… And goodbyes are so dreadful, aren’t they? I do acknowledge that they’re a part of life, though – heck, I grew up moving around, studying in 10 different schools, living in different cities; I’ve said so many goodbyes to so many friends from other cities and countries and even a parent… Doesn’t mean I have to like goodbyes, though, does it? 😛

I’ve been here for 51 days.

Kind of silly of me to think that I, organisation and logic freak, wouldn’t have made a home of wherever I was nor have developed some sort of routine after spending 51 days somewhere. Lol.

So, anyways, everyday I wake up and make myself some tea. After having le tea, I exercise and stretch. Or stretch and exercise? Whatever. Then, I get to work – sitting on my desk and opening my laptop. At around half past 10am, my apetite shows its ugly face and I have some yoghurt or eat a fruit. During lunch time, I meet Vanessa and we eat, rant, do laundry or whatever. Then I go back to my room and work some more. Sleep is always a question mark as it depends on the deadlines, somedays I get 3h of sleep, somedays I even have the choice to indulge myself and sleep through 12h… If only my body were not weirded out by that and refused to sleep for more than 8h.

I’m so grateful for all that. My little home, my little routine and seeing my friend everyday. I’m grateful for the quiet hours at night, during which I can write, edit my photos, sketch and think. As May Sarton once wrote, “I have time to think. That is the great, the greatest luxury. I have time to be.

Honestly, I cannot remember if I’ve ever been this productive, work-wise.

Not only that, but the work I’ve done here is the best I’ve done so far, because I’m not using half of my brain to worry about uni while working. Yays for summer break? There has been no need for annoying multi-tasking (I frigging hate multi-tasking, this whole millennial-doing-a-gazillion-things-at-once-to-show-productivity culture), no social media while I’m working (actually, there has barely been any social media lately, according to my friends). I have the luxury to focus entirely on my work before diving into a crazy study routine in Germany (7 hours of German lessons everyday!!helpmeplease!!).

It’s getting super cold, dark, I can barely see what I’m scribbling and I’m not making much sense anymore.

I guess I’m writing this from a state of bliss, because I feel so relaxed and grateful right now. Relaxed as I soak in the two weeks of ‘no-school’ freedom I have left, and grateful for having all that I’ve had in the past 51 days. Okay, add a bit of concern to that list – I am relaxed, grateful and a bit concerned. I mean… How do I give back to the people who’ve made the past 51 days what they have been? (Hi, Vanessa! If I could, I’d buy you all the cute lil’ shirts and pretty boots in the world. ♡)

I suppose I don’t care about saying goodbye and letting go anymore… It just means I have people I care about and that I’ve been happy here, right?

Time to go back to my room, I guess. Time to go home.

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